Weird Word Wednesday!

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copywriting, corporate culture, Gettysburg, grammar, history, humor, politicians, President Clinton, President Obama, proper grammar, strange word, weird word, writing

You know them.

They’re out there.

You either work with them, or you’ve heard them on television.

They’re bafflegabbers, people who use pretentious and vague-sounding words or phrases, when more direct speech would suffice.

The temptation to pick on the government here is almost overwhelming, isn’t it? Politicians are especially known for spewing out phrases that leave us scratching our heads, and for using words that really don’t mean anything at all.

For example, I’ll give you an excerpt from Edward Everett’s speech at Gettysburg on November 19, 1863. It was a two-hour doozy that probably left people half-asleep and drooling on their dresses. If you’re feeling adventurous, the entire speech can be read here.

Edward Everett

“…And shall I, fellow citizens, who, after an interval of twenty-three centuries, a youthful pilgrim from the world unknown to ancient Greece, have wandered over that illustrious plain, ready to put off the shoes from off my feet, as one that stands on holy ground,–who have gazed with respectful emotion on the mound which still protects the dust of those who rolled back the tide of Persian invasion, and rescued the land of popular liberty, of letters, and of arts, from the ruthless foe…”

Zoinks! That’s a bafflegabber!

Keep in mind that bafflegabbing isn’t strictly limited to pompous speeches like Everett’s. In our need-it-yesterday, team-oriented culture, we’ve come up with a few humdingers of our own, phrases that mean…what, exactly?

Take it to the next level

Giving 110%

Best Practices

These are examples of corporate lingo that doesn’t pinpoint anything specific.

Really, who’s going to suggest using “worst practices” anyhow? Sometimes, though, joining the corporate culture-speak can get you into hot water:

When Melvin promised to “take it to the next level,” his coworkers were uncomfortably reminded of his plans for last year’s National Flashlight Day celebration, which had taken a bizarre turn for the worse.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and strangely enough, a politician had the answer!

In 1998, President Bill Clinton issued the “Plain Writing in Government” memorandum. This encouraged  government agencies to use understandable, easy-to-read language when communicating with the public.

Apparently, it took a while to catch on, because in 2010, President Barack Obama issued his own Plain Writing Act of 2010, requiring federal agencies to “simplify bureaucratic jargon.”

The “best practice” here? Keep it simple and straightforward!

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The Royal Shrub

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church, editing, gardening, grammar, history, humor, investiture, politics, Queen Elizabeth, shrub

When I was a kid, there was an older couple in our church who had money. For the sake of this odd but true story, I’ll call them Merle and Hattie Clanderman. They owned several businesses in town, and although they weren’t flashy about their wealth, everyone in the congregation knew the Clandermans “had money.”

govhouse.nl.ca

When you’re 10 years old, this stuff is pretty intriguing. Where did all their money come from? What did they do with all that green stuff I imagined they had stacked around in dusty piles?

They bought shrubs.

That’s the conclusion I came to one Sunday when our minister announced that there would be a shrub planting after church in honor of Merle. Now, keep in mind that Merle hadn’t died – he was sitting, right as rain, in the front pew, nodding slightly at the news. People often plant trees or shrubs to honor a deceased loved one, but I guess Merle was getting a jump on things.

Not only would the shrub be planted right after church, but there would also be a placard stuck next to it, declaring for all the world that this was, indeed, the Official Merle Clanderman Shrub, planted on a sunny Sunday in 1975 or so.

housingwire.com

It seemed so official, so Queenly, and as the years passed, I realized it was an investiture of sorts. A Royal Shrubbing, if you will. It made me think of that word – investiture – which really has a royal ring to it if you say it with your nose tilted up just slightly.

But what is an investiture??

It’s a ceremony or official installation of someone – it can be to a government post or office, but even the Boy Scouts get in on the act, holding investitures when a scout moves from one rank to another.

In a royal sense, an investiture installs a new monarch, and the reigning King or Queen holds investitures to honor people for specific accomplishments. According to one source, about 25 of them are held each year, most of them at Buckingham Palace in London, England.

nydailynews.com

It’s quite the affair – the Queen’s Body Guard of the Yeoman of the Guard, created by Henry VII in 1485, are on guard, and music is played. If you’re lucky enough to receive a knighthood, you’ll have to kneel on an official stool and Queen Elizabeth will use her father’s sword to dub you “knight,” after which you’re entitled to use the term “Sir” before your name. If you’re female, you use “Dame.”

I don’t recall that people in church started addressing Merle as “Sir Merle” or his wife as “Dame Hattie,” but Merle might have walked a bit taller after the big day.

Having a shrub planted in your honor will do that to you…

Weird Word Wednesday!

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colonists, copywriting, editing, farctate, grammar, history, holiday, humor, president, proofreading, proper grammar, strange word, stuffing, Thanksgiving, turkey, weird word, words, writing

metro.co.uk

It’s Weird Word Wednesday! For those of you still stuck at work, take heart – tomorrow we celebrate Thanksgiving in the United States, when most of us get a  day off work to celebrate the hours-long foodathon. Some of us even get an extra day off to recuperate!

Thanksgiving itself originated with the first settlers. In 1621, Plymouth colonists and Wampanoag Indians gathered for a harvest meal, one much different from the turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing and pie of our current feast. Instead, they probably dined on, among other things, venison, squash, corn, grapes and berries.

The tradition of a meal held in thanksgiving continued for decades, and in 1863, President Abraham Lincoln declared a national Thanksgiving Day, held each November.

While most Thanksgiving revelers might not know today’s Weird Word, they’ll certainly feel its effect after they push their chairs away from the table!

Our word is farctate. It means “stuffed; overfilled,” or “filled to capacity.”

It’s also fun to say! The “c” is hard, and the word is pronounced with the accent on the first syllable. Phonetically, it’s “FARK-tate.”

In use, it’s like this:

After wolfing down six pieces of Aunt Edna’s mincemeat pie, Eudora was so farctate that she doubted she’d be able to help with the dishes. This was a Thanksgiving trend of Eudora’s that Phoebe, Eudora’s sister-in-law, noted with great perturbation.

In another “strange but true” bird-related event:

Workers wearing biohazard suits entered a home in a Chicago suburb, removing “an estimated 300 birds, junk and waste from a hoarder’s townhouse.” The bird-loving owner’s home was so farctate that he could no longer live there safely.

Thankfully, the man lived alone! His intentions were good – he started with one bird and just couldn’t say “no” to hundreds more, so I think he can be pardoned.

Much like our nation’s official Thanksgiving turkey! It’s an odd custom with murky origins, but each November, our president pardons a Thanksgiving turkey. The grateful bird even has a “backup” bird, much like a second in a duel, only without the gunfire.

swick.co.uk

Their unfortunate cousins, however, are positively farctate by the time Thanksgiving rolls around, stuffed in preparation so we can stuff them.

Enjoy the holiday!

Nothing Really Matters…Anyone Can See…

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Bohemian Rhapsody, copywriting, editing, grammar, history, humor, irregardless, irrespective, proofreading, proper grammar, Queen, regardless, strange word, writing

Today we’re entering our time capsule, traveling back to 1975. I won’t ask you to scrounge in your closet to find those old hot pants, or that three-piece polyester suit that was so “au courant” back then – what inspired me today was the song “Bohemian Rhapsody,” by Queen, released in 1975.

One of my favorite covers of that classic comes from the Muppets, who performed their own “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Remember the start, with the chickens and Gonzo whispering “Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?” It was a hoot!

Today’s grammar conundrum involves a word that people use incorrectly to mean that something doesn’t matter.

Irregardless.

Actually, that’s not a word. It’s a mix of two words: “regardless” and “irrespective.”

The dictionary defines “regardless” as an adjective and an adverb, both generally meaning “in spite of everything,” or “careless of the consequences.” Like this:

Regardless of the fact that Zilpha disdained his efforts, Melvin continued inviting her to the Pigeon Club’s monthly meeting.

Closely related to “regardless” is “irrespective,” which means “without regard to something else.” Like this:

Irrespective of Clarice’s requests, Horton continued wearing his sombrero to bed at night.

In both instances, something is happening without regard to another event, or without regard to possible consequences, especially in Horton’s case.

It isn’t as bad as “Bohemian Rhapsody,” where the singer is on the floor in a heap at the end of the song, moaning “nothing really matters…to meeeee,” but there is a disregard for future events in our examples.

Just remember – there is no “irregardless,” regardless of what anyone says!

Weird Word Wednesday!

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copywriting, editing, fashion, grammar, history, humor, medieval, proofreading, proper grammar, shoes, strange word, weird word, winklepicker, words, writing

Winklepicker! This week’s Weird Word’s just plain fun to say. Winklepicker!

Winklepickers are vaguely Medieval-looking, which is when they first came into vogue. These shoes were spotted on the feet of the French ruling class back in the late 1400s. You really had to be nimble-footed to flap around town wearing these things! Sometimes, the points were so long that wearers tied a string from their knees to the shoe’s tips to keep the points from getting in the way as they stumbled about Ye Olde Town! And they talk about suffering for fashion nowadays…

atomretro.com

A few centuries later, the winklepicker was revived, albeit with a few changes. This time, 1950s and 60s British rock ‘n rollers and their fans took to wearing them, and thankfully, these modern versions didn’t need the knee strings! These funky winklepickers sported buckles, perforations, prints, you name it. Women even got in on the act, wobbling along on high-heeled versions.

So, what is it about shoes? I was in a book store in Manitowoc, WI., a few months ago, and came across a small book about the history of shoes. I don’t remember the title, but I do remember seeing a pair of men’s high heel shoes, dating back to the early 1700s, when King Louis XIV of France, wore heeled shoes, some decorated with battle scenes. These pumps towered with five-inch heels, and Louis took it a step further, issuing a royal decree that no one else’s heels could be higher than his. Hmmm…I sense a smidgen of royal insecurity here…

blog.lulus.com

Meanwhile, in Venice, Italy, women were traipsing along on platform shoes called”chopines.” These monsters could reach twenty inches in height, and women wearing them were often accompanied by a servant who would help their mistresses totter around town. Height conferred status – the higher the platform, the higher the status of the wearer. There was a secondary purpose to chopines, too  – back then, Venice wasn’t known for being the cleanest city, with debris and even sewage clogging the streets, so being high off the walking path had its advantages. No winklepickers here!

I’ll leave the last word to a five-year-old I know. Girls this age love dressing up, and they’re not at all afraid to mix patterns with sequins, stripes and even feathers if they’re handy. When birthday time rolled around, this little girl wrote out a list of ten items she wanted, and number eight was the following:

“A pair of high hell shoes.”

That pretty well says it all!

Toad Stew

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charlatan, copywriting, editing, George Washington, grammar, Henry Wiencek, history, humor, proofreading, proper grammar, snake oil, strange word, toads, toady, weird word, words, writing

I thought it might be fun to take a word we hear often enough and consider its history. I’m reading An Imperfect God: George Washington, His Slaves and the Creation of America, by Henry Wiencek. On page 157, Wiencek discusses being ruled with an “arbitrary sway” and how “that could turn a proud, independent man into a toady.”

I stopped reading at that point and wondered how in the world an amphibious term morphed into something derogatory. When I think of “toady,” other synonyms come to mind: boot licker; flunky; lackey; teacher’s pet; brown noser…the list goes on and on, and none of those terms are flattering.

Turns out we have to head back to the late 1500s to learn the answer to the riddle of how toads came to be viewed with derision. Back then, all toads were considered extremely poisonous in a “touch-them-and-die” kind of way, and trust a snake oil salesman to get on stage and come up with a way to exploit the public’s fear.

At markets and exhibitions, the unscrupulous salesman would have his assistant pretend to eat a toad. Horrified onlookers would gasp and cringe, certain that the hapless assistant was on a fast track to imminent doom.

But wait! The assistant might be gasping on the stage, clutching his throat and breathing his last, but the salesman had just the thing in his bag of tricks. Out came a bottle of snake oil, sold by the gallon to unsuspecting fairgoers, now assured that with a few gulps, their homeward journey was safe. No need to fear the gangs of toads leaping from behind trees to accost weary travelers! Whew!

The salesman’s toad-eating apprentice was called, aptly enough, a “toadeater.” Often, these assistants were young, and some were mentally challenged, which, at that time, meant they were objects of contempt, fit only for the lowest jobs. They served the needs of the snake oil salesman with their toad-eating behavior.

See where this went? Toadeaters were viewed with scorn, and over time, the term was shortened to toady, meaning anyone who served another with their behavior. Today, we consider a toady to be someone who sucks up, who behaves in a fawning manner. Not a good thing.

toadilytoads.com

Thankfully, we’ve reached Toad Enlightenment, and the little critters no longer frighten the way they used to 500 years ago. I did a little research and learned that toads are prolific pest eaters, and their presence is desired by some gardeners. I even found a website that sells toad houses, little clay things that look like charming English cottages. Line up a bunch in your garden and start your own Toad Subdivision!

Just don’t be a toady.

Weird Word Wednesday!

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Barney, editing, Florence, funny, humor, Italy, proofreading, semiopathy, sign, signs, Wednesday, weird, words, writer

Wednesdays carry so much promise in our work-related culture. They’re symbolic of making it halfway through the workweek, of climbing that mountain to the peak and glimpsing Friday, glittering like a jewel only a few days away.

Humor certainly helps, and today’s weird word is a fun one. It’s semiopathy and although it’s vaguely medical-sounding, it really has nothing to do with that field. Semiopathy is the tendency to read humorously inappropriate meanings into signs.  Plain old signs like the kind that fill our world with instructions and information, not portents or omens or the doom-inducing kinds of signs. 

Take the one to the left. Semiopathy suggests that if the poor kid is ready to snap, if he’s reached critical mass after watching one too many episodes of “Barney and Friends” he can toddle over to aisle four to find some relief. Probably not what the sign’s creator had in mind, but it’s amusing nonetheless.

How about this one? Semiopathy has me imagining ladies in high heels and men wearing slick-bottomed dress shoes, all in a tangled heap at the bottom of the ramp because they didn’t “slip carefully,” while those who mastered the skill continue on to work, minus the embarrassing mishaps, scoffing slightly at their fallen comrades.

When we were in Italy last year, we stopped in Florence. It’s a wonderful city, full of rich history, absolutely beautiful architecture, great food…and one strange sign. This one popped up all over the place, and we were at a loss to figure out what it meant. No carrying heavy bars across the street? No lugging long suitcases along the sidewalk? We finally asked someone, who smiled in a very understanding fashion, like she’d been asked that many times before. She said it meant, simply, “no crossing the street at that point.” Hmmmm….I’m still not sure about this one.

So – semiopathy is the tendency of reading humorously inappropriate meanings into signs. We see them randomly, and like a small ray of sunshine and Weird Word Wednesday, they brighten our day in unexpected ways. This last sign really has no semiopathic meaning, but I share it because it’s a hoot anyhow. Have a great week!

Planes, Trains and Grammarmobiles…

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Bolsheviks, copywriting, editing, grammar, humor, Nicholas II, proofreading, proper grammar, run-on sentence, Russia, train, Trans-Siberian Railway, writing

The Trans-Siberian Railway in Russia draws passengers year-round, and riding its entire 5,700-mile length takes eight days and spans seven time zones. There are several route options, but travelers going the full distance from Moscow in the west to Vladivostok (northeast of North Korea) in the east, can travel in style in first-class compartments called “spalny vagons.” That rolls off the tongue nicely!

Tsar Alexander III initiated construction of the railway in 1891,and when he died a few years later, his son, Nicholas II took over. The railway was completed in 1905; Nicholas, last of the Romanovs, abdicated in 1917 and was killed by the Bolsheviks in July, 1918.

But the Trans-Siberian Railway carried on, and to this day it remains an honest-to-goodness working railway, toting immense amounts of cargo from one end of the immense country to the other.

But what do trains have to do with grammar? They’re a great metaphor for today’s topic: run-on sentences.

By definition, a run-on sentence has two independent clauses (each can stand alone as a sentence) joined together without benefit of proper punctuation. Like a train that roars right past its station, a run-on sentence blazes through to the end of a sentence, reaching the period out of breath and slightly disjointed. For example:

Clarice wished she hadn’t accepted Hubert’s invitation to the Egg Salad Sandwich Convention it was turning out to be a long weekend.

Fixing this centers around inserting a semi-colon in the proper place, inserting a coordinating conjunction right after a comma, or creating two separate sentences. If we choose the first option, it’ll look like this:

Clarice wished she hadn’t accepted Hubert’s invitation to the Egg Salad Sandwich Convention; it was turning out to be a long weekend.

We can also add a conjunction after the comma:

Clarice wished she hadn’t accepted Hubert’s invitation to the Egg Salad Sandwich Convention, for it was turning out to be a long weekend.

And just because the Trans-Siberian Railway spans 5,700 miles doesn’t mean run-on sentences are always long; it’s the lack of proper punctuation that derails them. Like this:

Edwin ate too much he ended up with a terrible stomach ache.

Yikes! Not only is Edwin sick, but so is that sentence! There are actually two complete sentences jammed into one.

Like the previous example, we can fix the sentence by adding a semi-colon, a conjunction, or creating two new sentences. If you choose the last option, be careful that you don’t lose the original meaning of the thought by creating sentences that read “choppily.”

Edwin ate too much. He ended up with a terrible stomach ache.

Those new sentences sound broken-up and uncomfortable to read, so it’s better to use punctuation or a conjunction to make the sentence flow.

If you’re joining two sentences that can stand alone (independent clauses), make sure to join them with proper punctuation, a comma and a conjunction, or create two separate sentences. Think of those options as “train depots” on your way to a smooth journey and you’ll do fine!